But every time you think you have grasped it, it slips through your fingers. Or it breaks them, along with your heart. You ask, as we all do, “What am I doing wrong?” Let me share 10 vital, love-changing secrets that will lead you to over the moon, incredible, never ending romance. I know because I have found it…and it’s my second time around. Warning: If you treat someone like this, they will never leave you, so be sure this person is the one you want. One more very crucial thing: the key here is to merge the words “true love” with “courage“. TRUE love is not for the fainthearted. It is to be approached as if you were embarking on the greatest adventure of your life.
1. True love thrives on the courage to be yourself
Imagine being at peace with who you are. Imagine enjoying what is strong about you and focusing on growing within that instead of working hard to hide your weaknesses, afraid that someone might leave you because of them. I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror because I had this loathing inside for who I was. So much energy was spent on trying to be who others wanted me to be. Exhausted from all the pain and fear resulting from that perspective, I decided to simply become myself. I began to live in gratitude turned upward for how I had been uniquely made. Consequently, I found confidence growing from the very center of my being. It’s from that center that I now love.
2. True love thrives on the courage to respect yourself by finding your voice
When you like yourself, you become your own champion. Imagine standing up to protect your heart being natural to you. Imagine discomfort triggering you to step up and say what it is you are feeling or fearing. When you become yourself, this is how you will learn to be. You will recognize someone who has the potential to love you as you need to be loved. On the flipside, you will also recognize when someone is not able to be that one. From that same confident, strong center I found, you, too, will become the lover rather than the one demanding to be loved.
3. True Love thrives on the courage to make it all about the one you love
The most successful relationships I know are those where both partners as strong enough individually to put themselves aside and see life through the eyes of that special someone in their life. Imagine being able to hold wise boundaries and have your fears about being “walked on” left far behind you. Imagine choosing to make it your aim to create an atmosphere of safety where both of you can rest, grow and thrive. Great fulfillment comes in seeing your sweetheart relax and respond to you with a contented smile. True love is about your partner being able to grow and equip themselves to handle whatever life brings because they know that someone (i.e. you) has their back.
4. True love thrives on the courage to meet your lover’s need for certainty.
Imagine a place where you can be completely yourself. Imagine never being judged or criticized. Imagine having the freedom to choose what is best for you in the moment and that being received with acceptance. Imagine feeling protected and cared for and having there for you whatever it is you need to feel secure. This is describing the need for “safety”. Certainty. Your partner desires that deeply. Do you know then well enough to build a safe space designed around their particular preferences?
5. True love thrives on the courage to meet your lover’s need for adventure
Imagine “adventure”. Thrills, fun, edge of your seat suspense, surprise just when you need it. Imagine the unexpected challenges arising in your life and being able to think through and plan a strategy alongside someone you trust and respect. Look through the eyes of the one you love for a moment. Do you know what makes them laugh or what kind of surprises they love? Do you understand what they anticipate or look forward to doing? What would draw out their deep gratitude? How do they wish you would respond when life gets tough and you are both caught off-guard?
6. True love thrives on the courage to meet your lover’s need for significance
Imagine having all of the cherishing your heart could hold. Imagine the tranquility of never having to worry about losing the love surrounding you. Imagine being completely accepted. Imagine having someone look at you in a way that tells you they believe in you. Imagine making a mistake and being told that it’s ok, that you are learning and that you should be patient with yourself. Your heart yearns for this. So does the heart of the one you love, though they may never voice that. Do you know what makes them afraid that they are not enough? Do you understand how lonely they feel inside and what might make their heart open like a flower to the sun?
7. True love thrives on the courage to meet your lover’s need to be loved unconditionally
Imagine someone totally committed to doing everything within their power to love you in the way you define love. Imagine someone seeing you are cold and bringing you a sweater even before you ask. Imagine someone sensing how tired you are and sending you for a rest while they take care of what you normally take care of. Imagine the words, “I forgive you. I understand. Nothing will ever change my love for you. It grows stronger every day.” Imagine someone putting aside their own excitement of the day in order to bring you comfort when they see you may be struggling. True love is stepping up and loving someone else in such a way that it becomes more and more “unconditional”. Their comfort, their care, their needs put more and more ahead of your own.
8. True love thrives on the courage to meet your lover’s need for connection
How much we all long to be connected. Thus we have communities, sports teams, clubs and groups of every kind. It’s healthy to be a part of what interests us outside of our relationships but how often do we begin to prefer to spend time there because the bond between us and our loved one is broken. Imagine having that sense of “belonging” fulfilled in every way possible within your relationship so that when friends or extended family disappoint you, you weather it together. Imagine being able to talk about anything and everything revealing all of your thoughts and dreams and ideas freely. Imagine being heard – really heard – and your opinions being appreciated and acknowledged. Imagine being held just when you need it the most in the way you need it. That man or woman in your life aches for this as much as you do. Open your heart and search for as many ways to connect with them as possible. Learn to listen and to enjoy some of the activities that they enjoy.
9. True love thrives on the courage to meet your lover’s need for growth
If you are not growing, you die – even while you are still living. We experience this consistently in nature all around us. Trees and grass and children exemplify this truth. Imagine someone knowing your dreams, your aspirations, your future plans and goals. Imagine that the greatest pleasure in someone’s life is celebrating your milestones right alongside of you because they are proud of you and were there for you every step of the long climb it took to get there. Put yourself in the shoes of the one you have committed your life to. What are her dreams? What are his? Have you had a long look recently into their eyes in order to reach the bottom of their heart? Or do you take for granted that you know all there is to know? What do they want, really want, from life? What is within your power to help them get there?
10. True love is the courage to meet your lover’s need to make a difference
When life is cruel to you and breaks your heart, you tend to withdraw from the world in order to protect yourself from more pain. Often it is said that out of your greatest pain comes your greatest mission. You are not random. You were made with care and innate skills to let life prepare you to help someone else. Imagine what it would feel like to give in a way that made a difference to someone. Imagine an overwhelming sense of fulfillment because you have given yourself permission to do what you love and help someone else in the process. I am using my love to write to help others learn how to love right now. Imagine having a partner who knows you so well that he or she opens your eyes to a new understanding of the gifts you’ve been given. Part of your purpose in life is to assist your partner in finding his or her own way of unconditionally giving love to the world around them. You are the one who can observe their strengths in ways that no one else can. Do you want to find true love? Then it’s vital that you take these truths to heart and find your courage to become all you can be in order to help someone else become all they can be. Remember, “The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and to be loved in return”.
Do you have some other vital things to share about learning to love?
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